Soul on Fire
“... it felt like even God didn’t care. If God truly cared about me, how could he allow my own mind to be my own worst enemy?”
When I was young, my family was very involved in church, but by the time I was eight years old it had become an occasional event. I knew God was calling me back, but with no real desire for God left in my household, it was easy to ignore. In high school I was invited every summer to church camp, and I remember being so on fire for God during those months. But every year when I went back home, the passion would fade and slowly so would the fire I had felt inside.
Going home from summer camp meant going back to a cycle of loneliness and depression. I had a hole in my life, and I felt as though no one at home could understand. No one even seemed to care. The cycle of depression lead me into a deep hole where eventually it felt like even God didn’t care. If God truly cared about me, how could he allow my own mind to be my own worst enemy?
I struggled with suicidal thoughts daily. I once read that in the moments following a suicide attempt, most people feel feelings of regret and wish they could take back what they had just done. But I was the opposite; I would beg God to end everything. I would cry and scream out to Him to take me, and I would wake up each morning cursing God for not putting me out of my misery. I became full of anger and resentment, and began to feel disgusted at the thought of Christianity and this God who clearly didn’t love me.
But then, God sent a warrior. Disguised as a coworker, God sent the only person in the world who could reach me at that point. Even though I knew she was a pastor’s wife, I finally felt cared for by someone. It was a feeling that I hadn’t felt in years. This feeling deepened when she introduced me to her family. They quickly became some of the most important people in my life as they began to reintroduce me to God.
“That’s when I found Radiant. Every week I would show up and sit in the crowd and feel as though God was speaking directly to me.”
After all this time, I began to feel God reach out to me with so much love! While it was incredible to feel His presence again, I felt so unworthy. I struggled to pray and to ask for His forgiveness. Most of all, I struggled to believe that I could truly change.
That’s when I found Radiant. Every week I would show up and sit in the crowd and feel as though God was speaking directly to me. After every service I would walk away feeling as though God was reaching out to me through every means available, even though I couldn’t find the strength to pray. He wasn’t giving up on me!
During this time, I lost my boyfriend, my best friend, my second family, and my connection with other churches. I hadn’t struggled with suicide since high school, but with all this loss, I feared my own thoughts for the first time in years. To combat this, I filled my life with Christ. I began attending Radiant multiple times a week and reading my bible, but it still didn’t feel like enough.
Then, one particular sermon changed everything.
I showed up to church on a Saturday night feeling more defeated than ever before. Pastor Caleb walked up to start his sermon, and immediately I knew the message was for me. He was preaching on prayer and titled his sermon “Battle of Two Wisdoms”. Every word spoke to what I was going through. I never realized prayer could be something that many people struggle with. I had been so worried about how everyone else was praying and the “correct” way to pray, I didn’t allow myself to just talk to my heavenly father!
“Then, one particular sermon changed everything.”
“A few weeks later I was baptized. I had come so far in a few short months. I can feel myself growing stronger and closer to God every day.”
After hearing his message there was no turning back. I got in my car and cried out to God. It was the first raw and real conversation I had ever had. That night a real flame was lit in my heart, and I was on fire for God again. The very next week was the first week I heard about the water baptisms. I knew it was no coincidence. God was replacing all my doubts and fears with love and guidance.
A few weeks later I was baptized. I had come so far in a few short months. I can feel myself growing stronger and closer to God every day. I now know the only way I could have gone from someone who was truly sickened by Christianity to the relationship I now have with God, was through Him and Him only.
Do you feel your story can serve as a hope and inspiration to others? Contact us at mystory@radiant.church.