Letting Down Walls
“When others would act negatively towards me, I believed that that was how God felt toward me. The more I leaned on the people around me to approve of my actions, the emptier I felt.”
Church has always been a prominent part of my life; it’s a part of the lives of many families in Kenya. At first it was just a religious activity I had to endure, but as I grew up I became curious about the life of Jesus. I quickly became so hungry for the Lord and His presence. I would carry my bible to school, stay up late reading the gospels, and seek ways to dive deeper into the Word in order to gain a broader understanding of Him. I looked for ways to share my faith, prayed every night, and followed every commandment as best as I could. But despite the fact that I was continuously seeking God, I still carried a massive load of shame every time I made a mistake. When others would act negatively towards me, I believed that that was how God felt toward me. The more I leaned on the people around me to approve of my actions, the emptier I felt.
“The emptiness inside of me was an insatiable black hole, but I figured that feeling empty was easier than revealing my brokenness and potentially being judged.”
After going through a dark time in my first year after high school, I thought that perhaps being in a new place would put me in a new frame of mind. So I applied and got accepted into Western Michigan University, began college classes, and started serving on campus. I attended all the church events I could, and I listened to multiple sermons a day, but it was just too easy to go through the motions again without truly opening myself up to the Lord. When I wasn’t pretending to be a faith-filled and perfect Christian, I was sitting in the counsellor’s office narrating my suicidal thoughts. The emptiness inside of me was an insatiable black hole, but I figured that feeling empty was easier than revealing my brokenness and potentially being judged. I felt like my whole life was make believe, and sometimes I couldn’t keep up with the script.
“My heart became bitter and hardened, and I eventually stopped being as involved in ministry and campus.”
Feelings of isolation began creeping in whenever I opened up about my struggles, and was subsequently told to read scripture. I was constantly reminded that I didn’t have to be so worried, and that everything was done for me on the cross, but that felt more like an excuse than encouragement. Even though everyone was trying to be supportive and loving, each word of advice made me feel as though I had to hide my pain even more. Every day I would pretend more and more that I was okay, because I couldn’t bear listening to the advice anymore. My previous hunger for God plummeted and I no longer found comfort in Christian advice. My heart became bitter and hardened, and I eventually stopped being as involved in ministry and campus. I believed that I was too far from the joyful and loving Christian I was supposed to be, and that God didn’t want to use me anymore.
“Unlike me, they weren’t hiding behind scripture— they were pouring out their feelings and speaking from the heart....I could let down the walls of my imperfect, ever-changing, forever growing heart.”
Weeks passed and nothing changed, driving me to bare desperation before God. I got plugged back in to Christian communities, and even attended some conferences. At community groups, and at these events, I watched as others gave everything to Christ. Unlike me, they weren’t hiding behind scripture— they were pouring out their feelings and speaking from the heart. To them, no shame or guilt or sin was too much for God, and it finally dawned on me that this was the key! It wasn’t about saying what I thought God wanted to hear, but letting God into the messiness of my heart and allowing him to change me from the inside out! Once I realized this, a huge piece of my heart felt free!
I finally felt my prayers become more genuine, and my relationship with God became more and more trusting. I could let down the walls of my imperfect, ever-changing, forever growing heart. My fears and anxieties have been met by His redeeming love, and I am feeling more confident and loved every day. I still have a long way to go, but I know now that I don’t have to hide my frustrations in order to receive help from God. I allowed Jesus to become my friend.
My encouragement to anyone struggling with emotional or mental health is that you are not your challenges. God looks at you with love, compassion, and has big plans for your future. On your worst day remind yourself that you aren’t less important to Him because you’re struggling right now, and when you get lost, remember that you were built by and for Him. Let God in, and you will be forever changed. Don’t give up!
