He Put a New Song in my Mouth
About nine years ago, during the summer going into my sophomore year of high school, my family moved from Nebraska to Illinois, where I began to attend a new school. During my first year there, I received lots of attention from people. I loved the feeling it gave me, and I slowly began to depend on it. The desire for people's approval rooted itself so deeply in me that it ultimately ended up leading me on a journey of disordered eating.
“How could a struggle like this be taking over my life?”
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I loved having control. My body image, food intake, and people’s perception of me were something that I had control over, while the external transitions not so much. I developed a need to be desired and accepted through the avenue of how I appeared. This was a sin that quickly took root in my heart and developed weeds in my life. I never saw it coming as I was always confident and content in who I was, and I loved the Lord and knew His word deeply. I led bible studies, volunteered a majority of my time at church, led worship at school and church, etc. How could a struggle like this be taking over my life?
This problem began to change every part of who I was. It took a toll on my family relationships, friend relationships, physical health, and mental health. It caused a ripple effect of issues in my life that I never saw coming. Things like selfishness, lying, lust, and anxiety began to take root in my life. I developed an idol of looking and feeling a certain way - skinny. I started not to know life apart from anxiety, small bites of food here and there, and running two more miles at home after coming home from a two-hour soccer practice.
Nobody would have known that this was something I was struggling with. It was to the point where I even had myself convinced that what I was struggling with was just the common “body issues” that every girl faces in life. I would tell friends that I needed prayer for more confidence, but never would I dare say the extent to which I struggled. The enemy had convinced me that isolating myself in my struggles was better than exposing them. I began to accept that this was life. I was going to grow, possibly get married and have kids, and do all of the “life things,” all while living in this bondage. This sin now defined me, and I didn’t know how to picture my life apart from it.
Through all this, I read my bible daily, stayed in the fellowship of believers, and prayed. However, I never understood that I was harming my relationship with my Father and choosing sin over Him. Fifteen-year-old Abbie clung to the words of Peter as he said, “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7. I kept thinking God’s time hadn’t come yet because I wasn’t healed. But it wasn’t a lack of faith. It was a lack of reverence and fear of God. I knew He could save me, but I had to wrestle with deciding if that was what I really wanted. I knew in my Spirit that freedom from this bondage would only come from exposing it, and to me, that felt terrifying.
In my freshman year of college, the Lord came to my rescue. I was alone in my dorm room and couldn’t go another day in this bondage. The Lord brought me to an understanding of the heartbreak I was causing Him, and His kindness drew me to repentance. Breaking down, I died to myself that day. I felt the power of physical chains falling off of me. I had to run and tell someone, so I immediately Facetimed my parents. They met me with such grace as they listened and allowed me to exhale years of pain that had been built up. I was now exposed, and darkness trembles with light. “Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the Glory of the Lord is upon You”. Isaiah 60:1.
I had no idea what was to come, but I knew He was breaking chains, I was lighter, and I was healing! Through a long year of professional help and community, the Lord redeemed my story. When I say redeemed, I mean FULLY healed. Not a single harmful thought has been thought. Not a care in the world about how I look or feel. I have been completely healed. Living in bondage wasn’t my story anymore. I felt like a kid entering the Kingdom of heaven—fully at peace. Now I am Abbie. I am free and light with a redemption story that I will never keep to myself. He called me out and saved me when I finally died to myself and chose Him over sin.
Since then, my husband Aaron and I moved to Kalamazoo in September 2020 and have been attending Radiant Church. We have found our home here as we have been drawn in by the beautiful people that attend, and the obvious presence of the Spirit. About a year ago, the Lord gave me a vision at the BOLD Conference that Aaron and I were serving at, and it brought my whole story full circle. It was an odd day when a large handful of people told me how beautiful I looked. As people spoke these things to me throughout the day, I began to process with gratitude how wildly different my perception of that word had become from what it used to be. That evening, the Holy Spirit gripped me in a moment during a worship set, and I couldn’t stand any longer. The song “What a Beautiful Name” was playing, and I fell to my knees while He so clearly gave me a vision. It was an image of myself with a mirror on my stomach. The mirror ricocheted the gaze of everyone who looked at me and was met with the beautiful face of God. Immediately following the vision, He gave me the phrase, “from image oriented, to image bearer.” I am an image bearer. He is the beauty that I carry. Not bearing the image of Abbie Chenoweth, but the profound privilege of bearing the image of The King.
Do you feel your story can serve as a hope and inspiration to others? Share your story at mystory@radiant.church.