Heartbeats
“My husband and I were believers, and we had such great faith, but we couldn’t stop thinking— how could this really be happening to us?”
After a heart wrenching struggle with infertility, my husband Ryan and I were finally able to get pregnant with our second child and we were overjoyed!
Early on in the pregnancy there were some scary moments, and at 18 weeks our little girl was diagnosed with a hypoplastic left heart and transposition of the great vessels— a very rare combination of congenital cardiovascular malformations with an almost inevitably fatal outcome.
My head was spinning. How was it that my feisty and active daughter had such severe heart problems? How was it that she was so safe inside of me, but being outside of me might kill her? My husband and I were believers, and we had such great faith, but we couldn’t stop thinking— how could this really be happening to us?
We were hopeful for a miracle. We interceded hard for total and complete restoration of our little gal's heart, and if that didn't happen, that He'd give her a "fixable" heart. We believed, we had faith, and we had fierce hope! But when we were 21 weeks along, Bailey's heart stopped beating, and with it, so did ours.
How do you bury your daughter in the cold February ground? How do say your first hello and a final goodbye in just one moment? How do you reconcile having complete faith in the God who is completely able to do all things, and still ache so desperately for the life that slipped through your arms? A sweet little red-head, who looks so much like her Daddy.
The truth is, you wake up every morning, put one foot in front of the other, and you make the decision to worship from your pain. You cry out to the Lord and tell him how much it aches; He knows the pain of losing a son, and He's not afraid of your hurt. You love your spouse and you build them up. You grieve and you let them grieve. You love your living kids and let them grieve too, but you show them how to grieve with hope. You talk about heaven, not like it's a fairy tale, but with the confidence that it is where we will be when our heart stops too, if we have Jesus as our Lord and Savior. You become more authentic. Your faith becomes more refined. Your relationship with God deepens. And you find that your heart starts beating again.
“ How do say your first hello and a final goodbye in just one moment?”
The truth is that God the father did not cause my daughter to die. And in an instant, He could have reknit her heart perfectly and saved her life. The truth is that we prayed and believed wholeheartedly that He could and would do it! The truth is also that her body was buried in the cold February ground, marked with a headstone that simply bore her birthdate on it. And the truth is that we still believe in miracles and a God who heals the sick and raises from the dead. Today we intercede for others with even more vigor and passion than we did before. God is still good and perfect, even in the midst of our pain. And always, always, he is worthy of our worship.
“On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped."
2 Samuel: 18-20
“God is still good and perfect, even in the midst of our pain.”
Do you feel your story can serve as a hope and inspiration to others? Contact us at mystory@radiant.church.